Where is my balustrade? I’m looking for my balustrade! I hope that it has not gone missing, or run very far from me. I need my balustrade, and I need it today. Without it, I am completely doomed. What am I supposed to do without my majestic glass barrier, protecting people as they move down my stairs? It’s a stair balustrade of the most incredible, impeccable, unfathomable quality. What if my balustrade was stolen, or destroyed by the Glass Smashing Bandit? That would be a complete disaster!

My dinner party is set to begin in just a few hours, and my glass balustrade is nowhere to be seen. Where are you, old friend? If my most trusted household feature is missing, people will surely notice. They will approach me and ask, “What happened to that wonderful, majestic, unbelievably beautiful balustrade which previously adorned your stairs, protecting us from falling as we climbed?” I will have no choice but to admit that I haven’t the slightest clue where it has gone. Perhaps it grew legs and decided to run away, although I can’t imagine why.

We have had so many good times together, so I don’t feel as if I can just search for the best business offering glass replacement near Melbourne, seeking a new balustrade. To do such would be stabbing my old, most trusted balustrade in the back. It is a betrayal of trust, in the most complete form. No, I must trust that my dear friend knows what it is doing, and will return before the dinner party commences. My balustrade would never let me down. I am sure of it.

If I am wrong, then may all the powerful beings in the universe send me to the void of eternal wrongness, where I will wallow in my false belief. I do not think that I am wrong, though. My balustrade will return in my time of need, and everyone at my party will remark about how excellent it does at keeping them safe as they climb my stairs. Return soon, sweet prince.